I saw this amazing blog project originally on Erin Loechner's blog. I followed the link & read Ez's blog on Creature Comforts. I immediately felt humbled & inspired by how brave all of these individuals were. I'm not very good at writing about my feelings. My boyfriend would find this ironic because I always like talking to him about my deepest thoughts (he's such a patient guy). But, my fears are private & generally heard only by my closest confidants. The internet seems like such a scary place to expose yourself. However, with the staggering number of individuals who were willing to respond, I thought I'd like to share as well. Better late than never, right?
So, here are some things I'm afraid to tell you:
1. I was brought up in a fairly conservative home. My family went to church every Sunday & are still deeply saturated in their faith. But, I always felt like a sort of black sheep. They didn't treat me differently. I adore my family & have never felt as though they labeled me the "black sheep". It was something within myself; something I couldn't put my finger on. I never quite fit in at church. I just never felt comfortable when I was there. Now, I'm not going to church. I know it hurts my family & I know they worry about me. I will say that I still believe in God, but I don't know if that means I have to go to church every Sunday to a place that makes me feel really, really awful inside. Basically, I just am admitting that I don't know. And, not knowing scares me.
2. On a work-related note, I often fear that my students will be woefully unprepared for life after they graduate from high school. Certainly, as their English teacher, I know that I am not solely responsible for their success once they go out into the real world. However, I can't help but fear that I haven't done enough. It's something I worry about quite a lot actually.
3. I have body image issues. I've never been able to look in the mirror & feel good. I am an average size & have never rocked a two-piece swimsuit in public. When I go places, I see woman larger than me wearing two-pieces & looking just fine! But, I know I could never do it. It's something inside my head that keeps telling me I'm too big & that everyone will stare. I fear that I'll never be able to accept my body as it is & celebrate being a woman. I fear that I'll try my whole life to get to a certain weight & never be satisfied.
4. I fear failure. More than mostly anything else. I fear not accomplishing anything noteworthy in my life. I want to write a book. I've always wanted to. However, I haven't really done anything toward this goal & I don't think I will accomplish it. Honestly, I'm too afraid to try because, if I fail, then what? I have to admit to myself I'm not good enough? That's freaking terrifying. I'd rather not try than fail.
5. I often look around my apartment & feel disgusted. Honestly, I've done pretty well with my income. I have a nice flat-screen TV, cable, internet, decent furniture, & I've decorated it fairly well. But, I'm often not satisfied. When I look around my apartment, I see the clutter, the pet hair, & the laundry that is very rarely put where it should be. I feel shallow because I worry so much about what my place looks like. I want it to look like the magazines & the blog photos. I know it never will. I wonder if anyone's home actually looks like that.
Wow. That was extremely cathartic. I am very tempted to just delete this entire post. Pushing the "publish" button is much harder than I expected. I also realize that, compared to some of the other posts I've read, my "fears" might seem shallow. But, that's alright. I'm hoping you won't judge me too harshly. If you want to join in, leave a link to your post below.