Writer. Student. Educator. Daydreamer.

Things I’m Afraid to Tell You.

I saw this amazing blog project originally on Erin Loechner’s blog. I followed the link & read Ez’s blog on Creature Comforts. I immediately felt humbled & inspired by how brave all of these individuals were. I’m not very good at writing about my feelings. My boyfriend would find this ironic because I always like talking to him about my deepest thoughts (he’s such a patient guy). But, my fears are private & generally heard only by my closest confidants. The internet seems like such a scary place to expose yourself. However, with the staggering number of individuals who were willing to respond, I thought I’d like to share as well. Better late than never, right?

So, here are some things I’m afraid to tell you:

1. I was brought up in a fairly conservative home. My family went to church every Sunday & are still deeply saturated in their faith. But, I always felt like a sort of black sheep. They didn’t treat me differently. I adore my family & have never felt as though they labeled me the “black sheep”. It was something within myself; something I couldn’t put my finger on. I never quite fit in at church. I just never felt comfortable when I was there. Now, I’m not going to church. I know it hurts my family & I know they worry about me. I will say that I still believe in God, but I don’t know if that means I have to go to church every Sunday to a place that makes me feel really, really awful inside. Basically, I just am admitting that I don’t know. And, not knowing scares me.

 2. On a work-related note, I often fear that my students will be woefully unprepared for life after they graduate from high school. Certainly, as their English teacher, I know that I am not solely responsible for their success once they go out into the real world. However, I can’t help but fear that I haven’t done enough. It’s something I worry about quite a lot actually.

3. I have body image issues. I’ve never been able to look in the mirror & feel good. I am an average size & have never rocked a two-piece swimsuit in public. When I go places, I see woman larger than me wearing two-pieces & looking just fine! But, I know I could never do it. It’s something inside my head that keeps telling me I’m too big & that everyone will stare. I fear that I’ll never be able to accept my body as it is & celebrate being a woman. I fear that I’ll try my whole life to get to a certain weight & never be satisfied.

4. I fear failure. More than mostly anything else. I fear not accomplishing anything noteworthy in my life. I want to write a book.  I’ve always wanted to. However, I haven’t really done anything toward this goal & I don’t think I will accomplish it. Honestly, I’m too afraid to try because, if I fail, then what? I have to admit to myself I’m not good enough? That’s freaking terrifying. I’d rather not try than fail.

5. I often look around my apartment & feel disgusted. Honestly, I’ve done pretty well with my income. I have a nice flat-screen TV, cable, internet, decent furniture, & I’ve decorated it fairly well. But, I’m often not satisfied. When I look around my apartment, I see the clutter, the pet hair, & the laundry that is very rarely put where it should be. I feel shallow because I worry so much about what my place looks like. I want it to look like the magazines & the blog photos. I know it never will. I wonder if anyone’s home actually looks like that.

Wow. That was extremely cathartic. I am very tempted to just delete this entire post. Pushing the “publish” button is much harder than I expected. I also realize that, compared to some of the other posts I’ve read, my “fears” might seem shallow. But, that’s alright. I’m hoping you won’t judge me too harshly. If you want to join in, leave a link to your post below.

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  1. Ohhh! I am the same when it comes to my home. I “am” doing “good”. I have A LOT of nice things. But its never in the right order, dusted, mopped, smelling exactly like “clean linen”, put away..enough. When my bf puts a dish in the sink and not in the empty dishwasher besides it I cringe…

    then my aunt came over on a day of disaster and I stressed how embarrassed I was, she explained for years her weekends and free time at home was consumed caring about her house for the people who never came. How she actually regrets wasting that time she could have done things with her husband, reading, or plain nothing. In all honesty no one cares what it looks like. I’ve taken her insight and I stress less. Hope you do too.

  2. Isn’t it amazing that we are so afraid to tell each other all of the things that each and every one of the rest of us is afraid of telling too?

    Thanks for sharing, because I can relate to many of the same things (I am a 30-something with no kids that doesn’t fit into my church, I am an ESL teacher with a perfectionist complex, I’m maybe just starting to feel comfortable in my skin, the thought of failing frightens me, and well – my house makes me go crazy even though I know its much cleaner than many others) and it is humbling in a way – because I’m not alone, I’m not experiencing anything really different from what other people experience. If that makes any sense…

    Glad I came upon your post. Thanks again.

  3. I’ve never thought that I’d have similar problems with others..apart from number 1,, you’re totally same with me..I’m recently teaching 8 years old student in a private school..the students have brilliant family background..they’re always playing around like children should, but the parents always blaming teachers when the results just slightly decreased from previous test. I just felt that maybe I didn’t do my best for the students or not good enough for their future..nice entry though.. :’)

  4. Hmmmmm…let’s see.
    1. I’m terrified that I don’t want what is “normal”: marriage, kids, traditional relationships. I look at everyone around me and wonder if there is something wrong with me because I don’t want those things, too.

    2. I’m only now coming to terms with the fact that my sexuality is fluid and has been my entire life.

    3. Having fallen into my current job accidentally, I’m afraid I won’t succeed in this “business” because it isn’t what I trained for. And, only using part of my degree, what the hell was I thinking racking up those student loans? I’m afraid I “failed” at college and didn’t do it right.

    I did it too, so hopefully you’ll feel like leaving this post up. :-)

    • Elyse, I freaking love you! I also know exactly what you mean by what is “normal” in regards to all that business. I’m feeling something QUITE similar at the moment. <3

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